The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 (2012), directed by Bill Condon.

Well, I did it. I have now seen all five Twilight movies and, yes, I do feel like I deserve a medal. Because it wasn’t easy, dear readers. That’s about ten hours of Twilight. Ten. That’s one hell of a lot of brooding and gazing longingly.

I watched the first four movies last year when Breaking Dawn – Part 1 came out. In fact, I watched all four in three days, a journey laid out in my review at the time.

Let’s just say I was not a fan.

So with that under my belt, I knew I had to see this last one, only for posterity. I had some very minor hopes for it, considering the series has been (sort of) building to this penultimate fight between the Cullens and the Volturi, with a few poorly-CGI’d werewolves thrown in for good measure.

I hoped that something, anything, might actually happen in this final installment. One of my main problems with the Twilight movies is that none of them really have much of a story arch to them. Stuff just happens. A boy meets a girl. They cuddle in a meadow. Another boy comes along. She might love him, but maybe not. Oh and they’re all vampires and werewolves.

I know the series is targeted for “tweens” but I’ve never thought that means it has to come off as having been written by “tweens.”

“And then this happens and then this happens and then this happens,” rarely makes for a compelling story without some sort of overall conflict that the elements of the plot work to advance.

The first half of Breaking Dawn – Part 2 follows this pattern. Bella goes hunting (the special effects in this segment are so, so awful). And then she meets her baby. And then they get a house. And then they have sex and hint at how vigorous it was.

Because I couldn’t care less about these dreary characters, none of this appeals to me.

And then the Volturi find out about the daughter and a hint of a plot begins. But before that can be properly tackled, the film turns into the worst X-Men movie I have ever seen as vampires from all over the world show up to teach the Cullens about stereotypes and to help them confront the Volturi.

At this point a 13-year-old boy must have got a hold of the script, because they also all have unique powers beyond just being boring old vampires. I’m not sure why Wolverine wasn’t there, maybe Hugh Jackman was busy filming Real Steel 2.

Anyway, after a scene that goes on forever where it seemed like an epic battle isn’t going to happen, it finally, thank the Lord, does.

(By the way, Michael Sheen is the only good thing in this movie and apparently the only actor who understands how ridiculous this all is and how the only way to have any fun with it is to go over-the-top.)

Then, in the horrendous tradition of “have it both ways endings” (also know as “Far-and-Away-ing it”), it turns out the battle never actually happened.

Savages pulled this cheap trick too and it’s honestly never a good idea. It’s lazy and pandering. This way we get to see some actual drama, what with characters dying and everything, AND have a happy ending where everyone is alive and Jacob can continue to court a nine-year-old girl. Everybody wins! Please.

Oh right, spoilers.

Anyway, I could bash Twilight all day. I initially started watching the movies to make sure I wasn’t just one of those people making fun of something I had no actual contact with. I also hoped I might be pleasantly surprised. No luck there, but it’s almost pointless to harp too much on them because they clearly aren’t made for me.

Loads of people, even people I respect, love these movies. I honestly don’t get it, but I also don’t get what people like about Lord of the Rings, and one of those won an Oscar, so there must be something to it. Breaking Dawn – Part 2 won’t be winning any Oscars (never say never I guess…) but it will be one of the highest grossing movies of the year.

I won’t bemoan the death of culture, because it’ll survive, but the snobbish, adult part of me does lament the fact that this is what passes for quality storytelling for our youth. But, you know what? Youth grow up and move on. I’m sure I enjoyed a lot of rubbish in my younger years, and still do.

And even if they don’t move on they hopefully at least come to the understanding that Twilight should be a guilty pleasure. Because, really.

So rock on tweens and Twihards, re-read and re-watch all you want. Enjoy it.

I’m just glad that, for me at least, dawn has finally risen on The Twilight Saga.  As long as I don’t get all sparkly everything will be fine.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is in cinemas now.