Seriously. No joke. Don’t laugh. Just listen…

What happens to Vancouver, like, every year? You score goals at will – seemingly – during the first 82 games of the season, and then you flame out in spectacular fashion come April, May, and June, right?

Think about your great playoff run in 2011. Sure, you won three rounds, but your offence was lamer than Dick Cheney’s aim in the first two rounds. You fell asleep against Chicago, and almost gave the whole pie away. Then, against Nashville, you watched as Ryan Kesler and Christian Ehrhoff did all the work. No, seriously… all the work.

What happened against Boston? Who did you trade for Zach Kassian last February? What happened to Ehrhoff? What about Kesler’s body?

It sure seems like you’ve been in a rush to dump any or all offensive potential. It sure seems like you’ve gotten two years older since that great playoff run of 2011, and now you need to play catch-up.

The Senators took a chance on Kyle Turris, and it’s paying off. Ditto for the New York Islanders and Michael Grabner. (Ouch, right?)

So, really, what’s wrong with Alex Semin? Oh, so Bruce Boudreau didn’t like him. Does Bruce Boudreau like anybody?

This isn’t a time for pride, and it’s not like Semin actually has any real bad rap that follows him. He’s knocked for not scoring in the playoffs, or for a perceived lack of effort, but nobody’s really actually accused him of this.

The fact is, that’s a highly dysfunctional playoff squad in Washington, and they need to shake things up. They need to get rid of Semin, because he’s not working for them and they’re not working for him.

Of all the guys in this league who can score goals like it’s going out of style, Semin is one of them. He only seems like he has a bad attitude because he’s Russian, and Canadians are violently racist in their approach to foreign hockey players.

“Oh, he can’t speak English? Damn, he sounds spoiled.”

Tell me, what were you saying about Evgeni Malkin when he no-showed in the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals? What were you saying about him when he won the Conn Smythe in 2009?

What about Ilya Kovalchuk, the guy who single-handedly led the New Jersey Devils to the Stanley Cup Finals this season?

Or Pavel Datsyuk, the guy with two Cup rings?

Can’t we just admit, Russians only seem lazy to us because we’re lazy in our analysis of them?

For all the talk about Semin’s attitude and his playoff disappearing act, he’s far from the only guy in this league – or on that team – who can be accused of either. Unlike an actual shi*ty Russian (say, Alex Radulov), Semin’s never bailed. He’s never left. He’s always stuck with the game, and tried to get back in it.

As far as his lackluster playoff numbers go, Alex Ovechkin and Nicklas Backstrom have hardly been playoff forces. Hell, the only reason Washington got past Boston last time was because of a rookie goaltender named Braden Holtby.

So, get over yourself, Vancouver. You may think you’ve got a championship team in front of you, but you don’t. You need Alex Semin.

And, if you fail to see that, someone else might be giving him a ring next June.